Alone, and Loving It

I love being alone. I never really knew that, though. I was always living with anxiety, and the only way that I felt safe was when someone told me I was safe. If I had to be alone, like at bedtime or something similar, I had to have the television on.

Back then, television programs ended around 2 or 3 am, so if I wasn't asleep by then, I'd be in anxiety until the sun rose, and then I was finally able to close my eyes. As a teen, and even into my early 20s, I couldn't go to sleep unless I was on the phone with a friend, or had been out drinking. I'd sleep late, when I had nowhere to be, late meant somewhere around 4 pm.

Since I was afraid of being quiet with my own thoughts, I chose friends based on their availability, instead of their personality. Those friendships were always on shaky ground, which gave me more reason to be uncomfortable in relationship. After I got married, both the first time and the second, I always wanted to be with my husband. I chose safe partners that I wanted to spend time with. And that's good. But being comfortable with being alone wasn't on the table.

Beginning the practice of breathwork unlaced the ties that bound me to the fear of being alone. I realized that I was able to love my husband and children, and still really enjoy being alone. I even bought myself I shirt that says "I need more space." Choosing to be alone, in my opinion, is a testiment to the path to our own peace. I had no idea what this meant, but I knew it felt good.

After reading an article by Micaela Marini Higgs in the New York Times on "aloneliness", I saw my entire life's pattern. When I wasn't confident, I couldn't choose to be alone. But when I felt safe and loved, and trusted myself, I found the comfort of sitting in aloneliness. Being alone gives me the space to be myself, unguarded and unfiltered. I process everything through my lens alone. It’s a special way to understand who I am and what I need to feel at peace and comfortable.

Referenced article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/28/smarter-living/the-benefits-of-being-alone.html